TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have One more position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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